You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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