turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Randomize
