they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
