I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
