you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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