A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
This is the high leading the old right now
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Randomize
