Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I'm sobbing to NWA
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
