he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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