well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
