we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
