So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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