I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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