Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
