Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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