Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Randomize
