Kiss
Puke
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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