two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
