this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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