we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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