My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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