hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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