He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
