I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
