I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I think my moral compass just broke
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
