he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
