This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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