having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
