I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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