Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
We got so high we made milksteak
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
