I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
