tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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