Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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