I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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