I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize
