Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
