I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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