I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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