You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
