note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Randomize