I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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