if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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