saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
