I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
