I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
