we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize