I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
as a side note pls kill me
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
