Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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