I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
