never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Im part way to drunk.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
