Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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