I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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