Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
