i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
