There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
