how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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