My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
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