He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
